Jesus take the wheel

i wanna know why. why cant i get into ocs, why i have hypertension, why the God whom i know to be so great, actually allowed all these to happen. why must i have health less than perfect? Whhy cant this why cant that.

But. honestly im tired of asking. but neither can i actually accept the fact that I have to allow him to take the wheel. Lord, im really wrestling so hard cos i really really cant accept whatever is there before my eyes. the first person i looked towards WAS YOU. I went to the healing room rightaway. but more than a year has passed. and im STILL hypertensive.

while everyone's commissioning, im here, stuck w this medical condition. dudes out there, if ocs is about confinements, extras...maybe hypertension is like an eternal confinement and restriction of certain human privilleges? haha.

the title's wad i wanna do on the inside. but. i just cant.

Upside down.

i really wanna quit. i hate this cycle of things which just haunt me relentlessly, wherever i go, whenever it feels like it. sometimes i wish how things would be otherwise - things would be as per normal, just as how others are living their lives. In here, I see pple in need, pple in dire straits, pple who love life n hate their maker.

the only thing's tt pulling me back from actually leaving the place where i used to love, is probably the pple i love. I dunno. i knew this day would come. so i dunno how ill react nw.

Under Attack

I'm leading this life, which is so unfamiliar to me. so so unfamiliar. help.

sometimes i wonder if it's possible to continue trudging in this deep shit, prolly a facade made heavy, a dream weighed down by the outcries of my inner man. when one begin to mistake black for white, it's probably time to turn back - time to move back on track.

everything seems to be permissible for me nw. scary. am i starting to lose my identity? this conscience that fades away ever so slowly, under the veil i subconsciously put on, just to hide under the fabricated ''truth''..

HELP

I really really dont understand why I have to go through all these. You know how it sucks to have to go for routine checkups, eat medicine, monitor that DAMN blood pressure. hahahah be careful - dont eat this dont eat that dont do this dont do that!!! This sucksss la. I hate it. It's like something in my body that I have to stick to ALL MY LIFE! WTH.

Doc increased my med. wad if one day when i get to ocs, i fail one of the FFIs??? wouldn't it be a HUGGGEE joke? hahaha. seriously why cant i live normally? with no health problems? how it sucks to have to write something in the "any medical conditions" column whenever I sign up for races and stuff:(


Life sucks...... Go club. perhaps Ill forget this for a moment.

It's difficult

Sometimes I wonder if things will always remain the same. It's really difficult to believe how things would change. I know God will help me somehow or another but is it really true?

You know I wish I could just go around cursing and swearing, go clubbing whenever i want to, drink till I feel so shiok... I wanna just play n play and join the ''havoc'' in this world. It is really infuriating. REALLY infuriating how ministries can become a burden. and how I can be influenced by army. so much so that I really. really. feel so guilty. double life.


haha.... Darryl swears in the army. oh my gosh. how true. I hate being in a position where I cannot make mistakes, where im actually forced to show that Im perfect, BUT im really really fallible.

I also feel really lonely. sometimes. how Lord? i wish i can be the life. the show. the party. but im not. im just someone who dunno who he is. sometimes a church mouse, sometimes a crazy fella who just curse n swear and throw his tantrum whenever he wants to.

Expectations can be so high. MY expectations. perhaps that's why im so so disappointed. hahaha

wonder when ill really find out who i really should be, and who i can be so as to be really happy.

Life's a constant struggle.

I just feel like im nothing. to be honest. It's been a reallly difficult period in my life as I trudged through the hot and dry desert, wondering when help would come my way. The extreme thirst and pain would leave me wondering if God is really there. the ceaseless labour turn out to be futile as one realises how insignificant it is to be just a vapour in the wind or a wave tossed in the deep and wide ocean.

God. I need you. Really.

Lord, Im desperate.

The anatomy of life may seem complex, but it's probably very simple: all of us just want to seek happiness and joy in life. But. will all men succeed in this long and treacherous quest of life? Many of us face rejection, loneliness, problems of low self esteem...the list goes on. amidst the hectic schedules one hopes to find peace within but most searches end up futile especially when we fail to realise how and where to begin looking.

true friends are hard to come by.

I need you Lord.

Life's good. I must really admit this. But. I'm not happy. It's the feeling you get when you continually attempt to search for an UNKNOWN something. I feel drained and alone. I need u Lord. I need to draw strength from a source. Would u come? or send someone to help?

Who's ZAI??

Hahaha.. Someone told me, "The juniors are really zai this yr. Maybe even more zai than you..." (Ok. not that I'm THAT zai)..for those who dunno wad zai is. haha GO find out yourself:p

My answer to that guy was, "When someone is zai, it merely reflects his desire to do and not his ability to do." Honestly, I started reflecting on what I said after that. (Ok I know that's weird but haha i did that anyway.)

Im not sure. I just realised, during my years in sch, that IF you wanna do well in terms of your academic work, CCA etc etc, you can surely succeed. Sloth might just be the greatest downfall of one's success. Others might argue how many people try and try and try but still fail their examinations for example. This is what makes me unsure of what I've just asserted. One really good example will be the theatre studies course in JC. My batch worked and worked but didn't really get the grades we wanted? Is success then based on the talents we're given? Isn't the guy who's given only 1 worse off than the one given 5?

The parable of the talents seems to be answer all my questions. What matters is the things you do with your talents, not how much you have. gtg for now.